Episode 493 – The War is Over, and I Lost
Today we have Allie. She is 31 and lives in Central, MA. She took her last drink on March 20th, 2024.
There are still a few spots open on our next Alcohol-Free travel trip to Vietnam. This upcoming January 9th-20th, 2025, we’re heading to this incredible Southeast Asia paradise for 10 days and 11 nights with 25 travelers who are done nursing hangovers.
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[03:25] Thoughts from Paul:
Paul shares that he lost the war with alcohol. It was not for lack of effort… for over ten years, he would get back up and keep fighting, he would implement new strategies to control his drinking, but it didn’t matter. He still lost.
He eventually raised the white flag and through the process of deconstruction, Paul says humility entered on its own without invitation. Every day he has to remember just how bad he got his ass kicked.
Through the addiction process, humility is a gift that we receive. Humility is a modest view of one’s own self-worth or importance and addiction is the equalizer that puts us all on the same level.
Losing the battle with alcohol is a humbling process which imprints on us a heaping dose of humility, which never leaves.
A big part of today’s intro is empowering you to recognize this incredible gift.
Once the battle with alcohol is over and humility is gained, we ultimately win.
[10:38] Paul introduces Allie:
Allie is 31 years old, and currently lives in central Massachusetts. She is married and they recently bought a house. For work she is an occupational therapist for students with different learning disabilities. For fun she enjoys the beach, travel, reading and exercise.
Allie started experimenting with alcohol in high school – the typical parties on the weekend. Her parents were big advocates for safety around alcohol and knew that Allie and her brother were at the age of experimentation. Allie knew family members that had issues with alcohol but wasn’t worried about them developing for herself.
After college, Allie moved to Boston and started to work. She says she enjoyed the social scene. Initially she didn’t drink during the week but on the weekends the excitement of being with friends found her trying to keep the party going when others were fine to stop.
During COVID Allie and her friends would have happy hours over Zoom. Around 2022 was when she first heard the term “sober curious” but said the word “sober” scared her. Allie shares that she had times when she knew she had drank too much and felt some shame and guilt around it. This led her to start listening to podcasts about sobriety and hear stories from others that felt the same way. Allie found listening to other people her age quitting drinking was really motivating and helpful for her to realize she wasn’t alone.
Because she wasn’t an everyday drinker, she didn’t think she had a problem. She would attempt moderation by limiting her drinks and avoiding certain alcohol. Allie quit drinking for stretches of time, but usually because of diet or an upcoming event. It wasn’t until one night of overindulgence led to worrying her father when she realized that she needed to quit.
Since quitting, Allie listens to a lot of podcasts, attends therapy and journals regularly to reflect on where she is. Learning about the science has been very helpful to her and she has fostered a great relationship with herself while improving relationships with others. Self-discovery, self-acceptance and self-awareness have helped Allie realize that she is just someone that cannot drink.
Recovery Elevator
You took the elevator down; you gotta take the stairs back up.
I love you guys.
Episode 492 – Alcohol Isn’t the Problem
Today we have Kristi. She is 50 years old and lives in Rome, GA. She took her last drink on December 11th, 2023.
We just opened a few more spots for our upcoming retreat this August 14th through 18th in beautiful Bozeman, MT.
Sponsors for this episode:
Visit Better Help today to get 10% off your first month
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[02:19] Thoughts from Paul:
We think this is all about alcohol, but it’s not. There are different support groups for many various addictions, and the one thing that they have in common is whatever comes before the word “Anonymous” is not the problem.
Page 64 in the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book states that the liquor was but a symptom. The booze isn’t the problem. There are deeper causes and conditions that are manifesting themselves in a drinking problem, gambling problem, shopping problem, etc.
For many of us, alcohol isn’t the problem. It is but a symptom of what went down in our infant and toddler years. Childhood trauma (which can be both what happened to us and what didn’t happen for us) can leave us with holes that we end up doing anything to fill. Many of those interviewed on this podcast explain that the first drink made them feel whole again.
We drink to change the way we feel and to cover up uncomfortable emotions. Alcohol is being used to cover up deeper issues. This may or may not be what you wanted to hear today, but it’s important to keep this podcast real.
TRIGGER WARNING:
The upcoming interview references self-harm.
[10:54] Kris introduces Kristi:
Kristi is 50 years old and is a hairstylist in Northwest Georgia. She has a 33 year old daughter with special needs, a partner and three dogs. For fun she enjoys reading, cooking and looks forward to getting back to kayaking.
Kristi says she had a good childhood. Her parents divorced when she was young, and they both remarried when she was around seven. Growing up, Kristi felt like she was on the fringe of being part of the “in” crowd so would do what everyone else was doing to fit in.
Kristi had her first drink when she was around 14 years old. At age 16, she got pregnant and dropped out of school. After she had her daughter, she started experimenting a lot and found herself in and out of destructive relationships.
Around the age of 27, Kristi found herself addicted to opiates. During this time her father, who struggled with mental illness, committed suicide. This sent her on a downward spiral. About a year later she found a place that helped her quit the opiates. She was there for 8 months and when she returned, she drank because she knew that pills were her issue, not alcohol.
Kristi says she was a binge drinker. Alcohol was a way for her to mask the pain of the loss of her father as well as the struggles she had raising a special needs child.
As a hairdresser when COVID happened, she says she went downhill quickly. There was no work and being homebound found her day drinking and over time it started earlier in the day. The day drinking continued after returning to work and she had a few events that led her to seek treatment. It was an up and down experience for her after the first detox, but Kristi never gave up and neither did her family and friends.
After six months of sobriety, Kristi says it feels different this time. She has been leaning into Café RE and reaching out to some other friends to expand her connections. She found this and mediation to be most helpful to her.
Recently Kristi started going to college with the goal of being a counselor. She wants to use what she has been through to help others.
Kristi’s favorite resources in recovery: Cafe RE and podcasts.
Kristi’s parting piece of guidance: just do it. Life is so much clearer. There are so many things on the edge of your fingertips if you just put down the bottle.
Recovery Elevator
Go big, because eventually we all go home.
I love you guys.
Episode 491 – Sobriety is Not….
Today we have Santino. He is 36 years old, lives in Taunton, MA, and took his last drink on May 24th, 2022.
Sponsors for this episode:
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[02:55] Thoughts from Paul:
A question we all eventually ask ourselves during our lifetime is – who am I? Eckhart Tolle (the author of The Power of Now and A New Earth) says that through the process of finding out who we are not, we also find out who we are.
One of our Café RE hosts, Tonya, shared a great list of what sobriety is not which Paul shares and elaborates on:
1) Sobriety is not the same for everyone.
2) Sobriety is not going back to how things were.
3) Sobriety does not rid you of your past.
4) Sobriety is not the end of your life if you enter recovery or treatment.
5) Sobriety is not the end of socializing.
6) Sobriety is not something you can do halfheartedly.
7) Sobriety is not just a temporary thing.
Rumi says “don’t be held captive. Your life has no border or shoreline”. Don’t be held captive by a mind created definition of what sobriety is because in reality, it can be whatever you want it to be. It can be infinitely boundless.
[10:42] Paul introduces Santino:
This is Santino’s third appearance on the podcast, and he is celebrating 2 years alcohol free at the time of this recording.
Santino grew up in the Midwest but currently lives in eastern MA. He is currently working on writing his memoir and he and his wife are expecting their second child.
Curiosity in his early teens led Santino to try alcohol. He joined the military after high school where drinking is generally part of the culture. Santino considers his drinking rather benign until his late twenties. It was then that he began to use alcohol for coping through uncertainty in his life. Once he started finding himself focusing more and more on his next drink, he began gaslighting and manipulating to protect his drinking. Santino acknowledges that he was becoming like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
Several months before he quit drinking, Santino had a bad withdrawal experience. At the time he was depressed and cared little about himself. He recognized that this may be what a rock bottom feels like and didn’t want to go through this again. He was able to quit for three months in early 2022, but a birthday celebration in March found him falling right into the old habits.
A turning point for Santino was after watching coverage of a school shooting while at the bar. Thinking about becoming a better example for the children of the future, he stopped drinking that day. He calls this clocking out of purgatory. An ultimatum from his wife after discovering hidden debt sealed the deal for Santino.
Comparing the first year of sobriety to the second year, Santino feels there is pure form of clarity that he has. He no longer feels the need to hide anymore. He is exploring who he is and what he can offer to the universe.
Santino says he has been attending individual and marriage therapy which has been helpful to him. He works on fostering his relationships, attends AA meetings, practices positive self-talk, and works on connecting with his emotions and his inner self daily.
Santino’s favorite recovery quote: “the world record for the longest time without a drink is 24 hours.”
One thing Santino has learned in sobriety: that he has always had something to offer the world – his true, authentic self.
Santino’s favorite sober moment: having the emotional capacity to deal with life as he knows it as well as deal with conflicts he would otherwise run away from.
Santino’s parting piece of guidance: give yourself the grace that alcohol will never give you.
Recovery Elevator
Go big, because eventually we all go home.
I love you guys.
Episode 490 - Expectations are Premeditated Resentments
Today we have Stephanie. She is 48 years old and lives in San Diego, CA. She took her last drink on January 11th, 2020.
Sponsors for this episode:
Visit Better Help today to get 10% off your first month
Café RE – promo code OPPORTUNITY waives set up fee.
[2:21] Thoughts from Kris:
Kris shares that he and his family have always enjoyed camping. Recently, he was looking forward to a week that the family could get together, probably for the only time this summer due to work and social schedules. Things did not go as planned due to obligations, weather and some mishaps along the way.
Kris found his mind making the determination that if their week didn’t look exactly like it was planned, then it was no longer good. This is one of Kris’s work-in-progress areas in his recovery. He shares that it’s somewhat normal to have expectations from the people in our lives and society in general, but what do we do when people, places and things fall short of those expectations?
A few things that Kris does is practice gratitude – he is grateful for the time he does get to spend with family and the great weather they had for most of the week. He also practices taking a self-inventory and shares page 86 from AA’s Big Book to give us an idea of what that looks like.
Let Kris know how you navigate expectations and resentments – kris@recoveryelevator.com
[09:48] Kris introduces Stephanie:
Stephanie lives in San Diego with her husband and twin 16-year-old boys. She works as a legal analyst for a Fortune 10 company and loves sports. In her free time, she enjoys hiking, playing games and traveling.
Stephanie witnessed her father become a heavy drinker after the loss of her mother. She was young at the time and as she grew up vowed that she would not drink like he did. At 15, Stephanie first tried alcohol and ended up the victim of an assault during a blackout. Due to this, and her father’s alcoholism, Stephanie was very careful with her consumption for many years.
After having kids and one of them was diagnosed with autism, she began to use alcohol as a coping mechanism to deal with her high stress job and parenting. Others would participate with her having drinks after work, so it felt like a normal, adult thing to do.
When Stephanie’s husband became disabled in a work accident, things got tough for them financially. Her drinking increased while she was working to rebuild their lives. As things began to improve for the family, she realized that she was drinking too much but was sure she would be able to quit when she was ready – since she didn’t look like her father, she didn’t think it was that big of an issue.
When she tried to quit alone in 2019, she was able to get four months and thought she could return to normal drinking. After a while she was drinking to blackout again and knew she needed to get help. She attended rehab for 60 days and also discovered the RE podcast. Hearing others share their stories really helped her. Community has become so important to Stephanie, and she has made a lot of friends along the way that she calls her Spiritual Gangsters.
Stephanie’s plan in sobriety moving forward: continue being present with others, exploring her life’s purpose and living life authentically.
Stephanie’s parting piece of guidance: despite what you have been told, life without alcohol is so much more fun, fulfilling and connected than your life while drinking ever was.
We might as well go big RE, because eventually we all go home.
I love you guys.
Episode 489 – The Best Parts of an Alcohol-Free Life
Today we have Chris. He is 56 years old and lives in Beacon, NY and took his last drink on April 18th, 2024.
Registration for our next Alcohol-Free travel trip to Vietnam opens TODAY! This upcoming January 9th-20th, 2025, we’re heading to this incredible Southeast Asia paradise for 10 days and 11 nights with 25 travelers who are done nursing hangovers.
Welcome to our new listeners! We are glad to have you with us. You are in the right place. There is a whole new authentic life awaiting you, which isn’t far away.
Congratulations to Paul and his wife on the birth of their new baby boy!
Better Help: www.betterhelp.com/elevator - 10% off your first month. #sponsored
[04:10] Thoughts from Paul:
A few weeks ago, Paul asked our Instagram followers what is the best part of being sober or living an alcohol free life. He shares with us some of the responses he received.
The four biggest commonalities he saw were:
1) More authenticity
2) Less shame and regret
3) More energy
4) More clarity
Think of the sobriety quote “you’re giving up one thing for everything”.
[11:16] Paul introduces Chris:
Chris says he is 56 years old and grew up in northern New Jersey, close to NYC. Cooking is his passion, and he has worked in the food and beverage industry all of his life, currently in a director role. Chris also enjoys the outdoors and currently lives in the Hudson Valley.
Beyond the occasional night of overindulgence, Chris says his drinking was normal. He was around alcohol a lot in the industry he works in. After getting married, he and his wife enjoyed entertaining in addition to traveling to wineries and distilleries and building a collection. Over time Chris began drinking more than just wine with dinner, had booze all over the house and was drinking earlier in the day and more often.
After he and his wife got divorced, Chris found himself drinking more heavily and was less discriminate of what he was drinking as long as he was getting his fix, as he calls it.
He was breaking commitments and becoming less functional in his day-to-day life.
Chris didn’t drink heavily around other people but told his family in 2018 that he needed help. He went into treatment and was able to gain 14 months. He was part of a sober community called Ben’s Friends geared towards those in the service industry. Chris was able to gain some sobriety time but had a series of stops and starts with several more visits to rehab as well.
Currently at 34 days, Chris is working on rebuilding his life. He knows time will heal his relationships with family, and he is attending IOP for accountability. He is spending a lot of time outdoors and is grateful that the weather has been nice. He attends AA meetings, Café RE chats, and participates in meetings with Ben’s Friends. Missing meetings is a non-negotiable for Chris and he also makes sure to nurture himself physically and spiritually.
Chris’ best sober moment: being present with his partner while on vacation.
Chris’ parting piece of guidance: stay connected.
Café RE – promo code OPPORTUNITY waives set up fee.
Recovery Elevator
We took the elevator down. We gotta take the stairs back up.
You can do this.