Episode 428 – Do I have a Drinking Problem?
Today we have Lauren, she is 54 from Rochester NY, and took her last drink on November 19, 2022.
Shout out to Ty with 15 YEARS alcohol free! Thank you for all you do for RE!
Shout out to Bradley from south Denver with 3 days alcohol free! Great job!
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[03:23] Intro summary:
In the past Paul has talked about the worst place a person can be with a drinking problem is in limbo (episode 417). But how do we find out if we actually have a problem so we can get out of that space?
There is a test listed in the DSM-5 to determine if we have a drinking problem or not. There are 11 questions, and you must meet two of them within the past 12 months to have what is called Alcohol Use Disorder. It’s not hard to determine if you have a drinking problem based on that test.
But at the end of the day, it can be as simple as if you question if you have a drinking problem, you just answered your own question.
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[12:36] Kris introduces Lauren:
Lauren has been sober almost 4 months at the time of recording. She lives in Rochester New York, she is married, has two adult children, one granddaughter, has pets and owns her own business helping the elderly. She enjoys time outside, crafting (currently diamond painting), reading and learning new things.
Lauren was always fascinated with alcohol, but it wasn’t prevalent in her immediate family. When she was 16, she was able to purchase alcohol for her and her friends. She had a lot of fun and thought it was cool. She chose the college based on their drinking culture; she drank heavily but still did well in school. After college she got married, had two kids and a successful job. She drank the same as other parents around her, so she felt that was normal. She was able to abstain when she had her children and feels her drinking was more or less recreational for a long time.
Over the years Lauren hadn’t really tried to quit drinking. She would make a halfhearted attempt at Dry January, but it didn’t last. She didn’t think it had anything to do with being addicted. She feels that everyone else saw signs that her drinking was a problem, but she wasn’t aware of it.
After going on a very long-awaited vacation in 2022, Lauren says she had a hard time coming back to regular life and the stressors were magnified. Soon after, she drunkenly alienated a friend on Facebook, and it really impacted her when the friendship ended. She started drinking to escape everything that was bothering her. Lauren had a scare during her third blackout in eight days and decided to go to the doctor where she told them everything. She was sent to an outpatient program to start the next day.
She has found a lot of tools and inspiration through the outpatient program. Lauren says AA didn’t resonate with her, but she does do SMART recovery online which she enjoys. Connecting with others has been a great resource for Lauren as well. She views her drinking and recovery as just part of her, she doesn’t feel it defines her. Lauren recognizes that she is happier and communicate better with her husband. Her family is relieved and proud of her for going into recovery.
[57:20] Outro:
Spring is here! And with seasonal changes come new challenges. Kris feels that it is a chance for him to make sure he has his accountability in place and has a plan when it comes to spring and more outdoor events. Don’t stress about upcoming events, simply be aware of what is out there. Set yourself up to enjoy the weather and reach your alcohol-free goals.
Recovery Elevator
We’re the only ones that can do this, but we don’t have to do it alone.
I love you guys.
Episode 427 – But a Symptom
Today we have Ian, he is 24, from Baltimore, MD and he has been alcohol free since December 26, 2022.
What are you doing for Memorial Day? You should join Recovery Elevator in Atlanta! We have an event for Café RE members on Saturday and then Sunday night we have a conference style event that everyone is invited to attend. Information about the Sunday night event can be found here. Café RE members can get more information through the members website if they are interested in the weekend event.
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[02:15] Thoughts from Paul:
If alcohol isn’t the primary problem, and it’s a symptom of something else, what does that mean, and what course of action do we take? None of us are able to correct the unrest in our lives when alcohol is present. That’s why moderate drinking for the problematic drinker doesn’t work either.
For Paul, after he ditched the booze, he recognized that his nervous system needed healing and found that nature was a great help with addressing that. Everyone is different and their sources of unrest that need addressing will be different but first, the alcohol needs to go and then the healing can begin. We get one life, and your addiction is about to springboard you towards your authentic self – if you are willing. You may be asking yourself “am I willing?”…If you are listening to this podcast, the answer is yes.
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[10:47] Paul introduces Ian:
Ian took his last drink on Christmas Day of 2022. He lives in Baltimore and is a recent college grad. In his free time, he fosters senior dogs and plays music. He finds taking care of animals at the end of their lives to be very rewarding and helpful in his recovery.
Ian wasn’t exposed to alcohol until he was in college. He was in his junior year when he started drinking and smoking pot. He had roommates that were drinking like he was at parties and on the weekends, but Ian was starting to be sneaky and would purchase his own alcohol separate from the alcohol that was present in the house and didn’t want anyone to know how much he was actually drinking. The blackouts started becoming more and more frequent.
When he was 20, he started planning his entire days around drinking and smoking. Work and school became minor activities and drinking was priority. Throughout all of this Ian was still successful so he didn’t see his drinking as a problem.
Early 2020 Ian experienced withdrawal for the first time and it scared him. He initially didn’t realize what it was and was scared he was going to die. For the first time, he acknowledged his drinking had become an issue.
After several trips to the ER, he ended up speaking with a peer counselor who helped him get involved with an Intensive Outpatient Program. Ian was able to get sober for two months but was ashamed of what he was doing and ended up leaving. He relapsed and had a bad Christmas with his family. He has learned that it is more embarrassing to have a drinking problem than it is to work on getting sober.
Ian says being transparent with people was the game changer for him. Letting everyone know that he is sober helps him stay accountable.
Being a young person in sobriety can feel a little lonely Ian says. Our culture normalizes drinking in our twenties and it’s hard to connect with others in recovery because most people are older. In spite of the feelings of missing out or “why me” thinking, Ian knows that this is the right choice for him.
Ian is looking forward to achieving newfound career goals, being a better dog dad and someday having a family. He is excited to fully find his confidence and be the best version of himself he can possibly be.
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Recovery Elevator
We took the elevator down; we have to take the stairs back up
I love you guys
And don’t forget that we definitely can do this
Episode 426 – It Gets Easier
Today we have Jeffrey, he is 35, from Monument, CO and he took his last drink on July 23, 2022.
Registration is open for our flagship annual retreat held in Bozeman, Montana, this upcoming August 9th – 13th. This event is all about having fun, connecting, and learning the tools needed to be successful on your Alcohol-Free journey. You can find more information here!
[02:16] Thoughts from Paul:
Paul shares that he recently attended an AA meeting where a member celebrated 40 years of sobriety. One thing he took away from this is that it will naturally get easier the more time away from alcohol you have and the more life experience you get. It is also helpful to focus not on the destination, but the journey itself.
There is a YouTube channel that Paul watches where the host, Michael, showcases some of the most scenic railways in the world. Michael also shares similar views about the destination vs. the journey. Here is the link to one of his videos documenting the scenic Amtrak train route from Denver to Winter Park Ski Resort.
When we realize that hard days are a part of life, and that hard days are a part of an alcohol-free life, things get easier. With each conscious breath we take, things get easier. If you are struggling, on day one or day zero, Paul’s message to you is that this journey will get easier if we embrace it and we don’t do it alone.
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[09:38] Kris introduces Jeffrey:
Jeffrey is 35 from Monument, CO, he does apartment maintenance for a living, he is single and has one dog and two cats. For fun, he plays Magic the Gathering and is trying to get back into reading, specifically mental health and self-help type material.
Jeffrey was a loner growing up, but his sister’s social network became his as well. In high school, they would invite him to parties where there was lots of heavy drinking. It was a weekly event for him and his friends to scrape up money to have an older friend purchase 40’s for them to drink.
He went into the job corps program when he was 20. He wasn’t allowed to drink, and he went nearly a year without alcohol and didn’t really feel it was a loss. When he came back home from that he picked drinking back up and was drinking daily but didn’t feel it was excessive. Jeffrey was questioning his drinking and was able to quit again for another year but realizes now he didn’t have the recovery mindset, he was just doing it because he felt it was a spiritual issue.
At that point he felt he had had enough of a break and could allow himself to drink again. Aside from a few isolated negative events, Jeffrey was able to drink without much consequence for quite a while.
Jeffrey’s drinking started to escalate and saw him shifting from social drinking to eventually needing it in order to feel normal. He says that drinking was part of the culture at the hotel job that he had. Once he started a new career, he knew he needed to stop the daytime drinking. That lasted some time, but eventually the anxiety became out of control to where Jeffrey had to use alcohol to help him feel normal and function. After his family left him, he was really spiraling out.
One Saturday morning he woke up to some family members coming into his home. They had organized an intervention and had everything set up for him to be able to go to rehab. He agreed to just go and says it changed everything for him.
He committed to 30 days but stayed longer. Jeffrey feels that he gained a lot of skills for recovery and life through DBT and CBT treatment. The focus on core beliefs really helped him.
Since getting in recovery, he is healing his relationships and making friends. Jeffrey feels that living is possible for him now.
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Recovery Elevator
The only way out is through
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Episode 425 – What Recovery Pathway is Right for Me?
Today we have Doug. He is 59, from Buena Vista, CO and he took his last drink on July 28, 1982.
Join Recovery Elevator in Atlanta over Memorial Day weekend for a fun conference style meet up at the Marriott in Alpharetta. This event is all about getting your connect on and it will be a fun time. Spouses or loved ones are encouraged to attend the Sunday night event and Silent Disco afterwards!
[2:30] Thoughts from Paul:
When building your recovery portfolio, a good goal is 50% external and 50% internal. At first, the internal work may be too big of an ask, but as your nervous system settles down, you want to aim for a balanced split. Here are some quick examples of what I mean when I say external vs internal:
External:
Driving to an AA meeting, or hopping on a Café RE zoom chat
Phoning a sober friend
Working with a sponsor
Internal:
Meditation
Journaling
Reading Quit-Lit
When building out your recovery I recommend this 5-tiered approach:
1. Community – AA, SMART, Café RE, therapy, sober friends. Burn the Ships!
2. Action/Movement – Chemicals of wellbeing, endorphins, dopamine, and serotonin are released when we move.
3. Inner Peace – Meditation, breathwork, creative ventures, writing, time in nature.
4. Knowledge – Podcasts, Quit-Lit, learning about new things in and out of recovery.
5. Universe – This is not religion, but it is the spiritual component of recovery.
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[11:55] Paul introduces Doug:
Doug had his last drink on July 28th, 1982, when he was 19 years old. He lives in Buena Vista, CO and is married and they have two adult children. He has worked in upholstery, cabinet building and installations, and has built some houses with his son. He enjoys the mountains, biking and riding his motorcycle.
Doug grew up in a normal family and wasn’t exposed to heavy drinking. His first experience with alcohol was when he was 4 years old when he remembers having a few sips of his mother’s drink. He felt the warm glow and really liked it. Later when he was 12, a friend of his stole a bottle of liquor from his parents and while his friends were mixing it with soft drinks, Doug drank straight from the bottle. He felt something click – suddenly, he felt normal, and like everyone else.
When Doug was 16 his mother passed away and the drinking escalated and continued to be excessive after graduation. Some friends invited him to Alateen meetings, and he started attending weekly. Once a month AA members would come in and share their stories. He started identifying with some of the stories which got him to start question his drinking. He realized that he was becoming less like the person that he wanted to be.
When one of his former drinking friends disappeared from the meetings, he found out that they were working on sobriety with AA. That friend was a speaker at one of the meetings, and Doug noticed that they looked healthy and at peace. He chose to speak to him afterwards and expressed an interest in possibly attending AA but wasn’t quite ready for it.
Doug finally accepted the invitations to attend and was planning to go to a meeting on July 29th. The night before he found himself drinking and when he saw himself in a mirror started asking himself why he was drinking. He didn’t have a good answer for that.
AA has been a big tool for Doug, along with volunteer work. He knows that if he had continued drinking, he would not have had the life he has. He believes in counting blessings, finding things to be grateful for and putting sobriety before everything else.
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Recovery Elevator
Go big, because eventually we all go home
I love you guys
Episode 424 – Caring for You
Today we have Abby. She is 49, from Phoenix, AZ, and took her last drink on 9/25/2020.
Join Recovery Elevator in Atlanta over Memorial Day weekend for a fun conference style event at the Marriott in Alpharetta. Spouses or loved ones are encouraged to attend the event on Sunday. Registration is open please click the link for more information.
We have registration for the annual Bozeman Retreat opening on April 3rd. The retreat is scheduled for August 9th – 13th.
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[03:23] Thoughts from Kris:
In an effort to escape the long North Dakota winter, Kris and his wife took a short vacation to Dallas. They had a fantastic time enjoying the city and the company of friends. The key takeaways Kris had are the importance of self-care and connection.
He believes that most people are very resilient, and we tend to allow things to keep stacking things onto our plate to the point of overwhelm. That’s when we need to take time to slow down and take care of ourselves; how that looks is different for everyone.
[9:30] Kris introduces Abby:
Abby took her last drink on September 25, 2020. She’s 49 and lives in Arizona. She’s single and has a young adult daughter who lives nearby. She is self employed doing online marketing for small businesses. She likes to cook, read and stay active.
She got drunk for the first time at a New Year’s Eve party when she was a young teen. She drank and smoked weed a lot through high school and college and feels fortunate that she never suffered any consequences throughout that time. At the time Abby thought drinking was just what people do in their teens and early twenties. In hindsight she knows it was numbing behavior. She never felt like she fit in, and alcohol helped her with her socializing.
After getting married to someone whose family had drug issues, she quit smoking but kept drinking. Her and her husband drank a lot together and chose wine because they thought it was more sophisticated. She didn’t drink during her pregnancy but started back soon after her daughter was born.
Shortly after having their child, she and her husband got divorced. Abby says her drinking ramped up and she started smoking again. She found herself drinking to deal with her emotions and continuing to get into unhealthy relationships. Abby feels like she drank a lot because of her insecurities and not feeling good enough or worthy of love.
Abby initially quit drinking as part of a quest to get healthy after some concerning medical test results, not with the intention of getting sober. Her doctor had told her she needed to give up some foods, sugar and alcohol in order to heal. She quickly started feeling better so that helped her remain sober for nearly three months. Abby utilized her daughter as accountability which she feels helped a lot.
During a trip to Mexico on her birthday, she decided she was going to drink. She realized quickly that the way she drank was unhealthy. She had one last beer while out and it left her feeling awful for an entire weekend. She decided then that she was done.
When quitting she started on her own and didn’t feel like she needed any support. She started feeling like she needed connection so she joined Café RE during a Ditching the Booze course. She made a friend in that group and then started a hiking group locally. Abby has really enjoyed meeting other people in recovery at multiple meet ups. She is extremely open about the fact that she doesn’t drink and feels that helps her stay accountable.
Abby hosts a lot of chats in Café RE which she feel helps her give back to the community. She stays social with a lot of the friends that she has met there. She does enjoy NA beverages but says CONNECTION is key to her sobriety.
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We’re the only ones that can do this, but we don’t have to do it alone.
I love you guys
Episode 423 – Some Phoneless Fool
Today we have Laura. She is 45, from Boston, MA, and took her last drink on September 27, 2014.
Join Recovery Elevator in Atlanta over Memorial Day weekend for a fun conference style event at the Marriott in Alpharetta on Sunday. This event is all about getting your connect on and it will be a fun time. Spouses or loved ones are encouraged to attend. Registration is open please click the link for more information.
We also have registration for the annual Bozeman Retreat opening on April 3rd. The retreat is scheduled for August 9th – 13th.
Exact Nature: https://exactnature.com/RE20
[02:07] Highlights from Paul:
Paul feels that addictions are adaptations to unhealthy environments. Rates of addiction, disease, inflammations, and cancers are all on the rise. In recovery we are tasked with creating a world for ourselves and others where we feel connected, worthy, and part of the community. Recovery is not about new world exploration but restoring the circuitry we were born with. Addiction could be what forces us to come together, put our differences aside and start loving each other.
Paul thinks that it is our job in recovery to create a life for ourselves and others that doesn’t require alcohol for wholeness. He’s up for the task, how about you?
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[6:36] Paul introduces Laura:
Laura is 45 years old, lives in Boston, has one daughter and is recently engaged. She is a writer and the founder of The Luckiest Club, an international sobriety support community. For fun she loves to read, play beach volleyball and travelling.
She first started drinking when she was 15 but didn’t drink a lot. She played sports in high school which kept her from partying and her dad got sober when she was a teenager so she had a healthy fear of alcohol. Her drinking really started when she went to college. She had a fake ID and was all in. After graduating she found herself surrounded by drinking in the workforce. Throughout her 20’s she surrounded herself with people who drank like her. There was a sense that she drank differently than others but she decided it was just something she needed to watch but not quit. She never had any serious consequences at this time in her life.
Laura feels that her drinking really increased after she became a mom. She had more anxiety, her body processed it differently, she was drinking more and it was working less. While she was pregnant, she realized how much she had relied on alcohol because she couldn’t have it. She started worrying more about her drinking at this point because she was chasing relief from the anxiety and only finding it helping for 20 minutes or less.
The year before her last drink Laura found herself suffering some consequences. She got a DUI which she brushed off as just getting a ticket when asked about it. After an event that caused her to almost lose custody of her daughter, she spent the next year actively trying to quit drinking. Her family was acutely aware of her drinking issue and were holding her accountable. She was very angry and wasn’t at the point that she accepted that the alcohol needed to go.
She tried to go to AA but didn’t enjoy it at first. She continued to drink but also kept going to meetings. She was starting to have more sober time than drinking time and was reaping the benefits. It wasn’t until she stopped making the promise to not drink and instead focused on one day at a time.
Laura started closing all her escape hatches after getting a little bit of sobriety time. She feels the most important thing about sobriety is that you cannot do it alone.
And these days, there are more and more resources out there where we don’t have to do it alone.
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Recovery Elevator
Rule 22 – Lighten Up
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Episode 422 – The Pursuit of Happiness
Today we have Susannah. She is 42 from Hampshire, England, and took her last drink on 4/29/2022.
Join Recovery Elevator in Atlanta over Memorial Day weekend for a fun conference style event at the Marriott in Alpharetta on Sunday. This event is all about getting your connect on and it will be a fun time. Spouses or loved ones are encouraged to attend. Registration is open please click the link for more information.
We have partnered with Sober Link. You can find some tips and can sign up for a $50 off promo code.
[03:09] Highlights from Paul:
Paul shares a blog post created by Odette regarding happiness in sobriety. He also shares his thoughts that sobriety does not equal happiness or solve all of our problems, but it does give us the chance to build a life where happiness knocks on the door more frequently. The school of sobriety is going to teach you the most important lessons of life. Love and acceptance. It will keep teaching you these lessons until you have accepted, that’s the lesson to learn.
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[10:40] Kris introduces Susannah:
Susannah is about to celebrate 10 months of sobriety. She lives in the south of England; she is married, and they have three boys and two dogs. She works in luxury concierge. In her free time, she enjoys walking and is looking forward to expanding her garden this year.
Susannah grew up as the youngest of 3 kids. Her parents drank socially but she was never exposed to any kind of alcohol abuse. When she was young, she was sent to boarding school. She was exposed to alcohol when she was around 13 but had no interest in it, in fact she was very against drinking at that time. It wasn’t until she was 16 that she started socially drinking at pubs with friends, but it wasn’t an issue she feels.
Her mother died suddenly when Susannah was 22. Her and her mother were very close, so she was feeling quite isolated and alone after this loss. A few years later Susannah was in Thailand when the tsunami hit. These events had her questioning “why me?” and she thinks that they contributed to some of her attention seeking behavior and participation in toxic relationships. She doesn’t feel that she was using drinking to cope at this point in time but was not dealing with the traumas very well.
When she was in her early thirties, she got pregnant. She found pregnancy to be very difficult for her but didn’t have trouble quitting drinking during these times. She had several medical issues happen which caused her first child to be born early which was scary for her.
After her second child her drinking started to increase. The drinking events coming more and more frequently whether they were over bad things or celebratory things.
Susannah says she was able to stop drinking for periods of time but never with the goal of quitting completely. She tried to seek help but was told she should try medication or taking vitamins. Since she functioned well on the outside no one believed she had a problem. She kept trying to moderate, but it never worked.
After a terrible hangover that had her sick at an event in her village the next day she decided to go to AA. She met the woman who is now her sponsor at that first meeting and with a hug from her, she finally felt the relief that she was in the right place.
After about four or five months of sobriety, she feels things has shifted. She has learned so much about herself and has start dealing with all of her traumas. She is better as a wife and mother and feels she performs better at work.
[01:02:31] Kris’ Outro:
The beauty of recovery are the chances that keep showing up to put the healing we have done to good work. What’s happened in your life that you wouldn’t have expected if you were still drinking?
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The only way out is through
I love you guys
Episode 421 – Keep It Simple
Today we have Stephanie. She is 44 from Georgetown, MA and took her last drink on September 6, 2020.
Recovery Elevator podcast just surpassed 10 million downloads! Thank you to our guests, all the team members, Café RE members, and especially our listeners!
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[2:49] Highlights from Paul:
In an age where almost everything plugs in, we as human beings do not. Often when we are feeling upset or triggered, one (or more than one) aspect of H.A.L.T is at play. Try and ask yourself if you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired.
Paul gives us a lot of suggestions of simple ways to address these feelings and asks the listener – how do you keep it simple? Let us know on Monday’s post on Instagram in the comment area!
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[10:42] Paul introduces Stephanie:
Stephanie took her last drink on September 6th, 2020. She is 44 years old, lives in Georgetown, Massachusetts. She is married and has two boys, ages 7 and 9, and two dogs. She enjoys walking and running and loves all things sci-fi.
She first started drinking when she was 15 with an 18 year old boyfriend. She was socially anxious, and drinking helped with that. There were very few consequences and she says it was at least once a weekend she drank, but never drank at home and wasn’t exposed to alcohol at home. She did well in school and followed the rules at home.
She drank in college and went out with her friends typically Thursday through Saturday but did well in school during the week. She was able to dodge some consequences, but the behavior continued. The drinking gradually began happening more frequently especially after she started dating someone and they spent a lot of time going out and drinking together.
She ended up getting married and they moved to Arizona. Their relationship was surrounded by alcohol, and it started to become obvious that they couldn’t take nights off and that was an issue. They split up and she moved back home to Boston. While she was excited for the next chapter of her life, she ended up starting to drink alone which was a red flag to her. She met her husband and they had a lot of fun together, even though they drank. Nothing serious happened, but she still felt that she was drinking too much. She was able to quit while she was pregnant and realized during the second pregnancy that she was wanting it to hurry up so she could start drinking again. Shortly after that she moved from bottles of wine to boxes.
Around the beginning of the pandemic, she told her husband that she was going to quit, but she wasn’t able to. She started hiding mini bottles and realized she started drinking earlier and earlier in the day. She was starting to have physical pains and was saddened by what she saw in the mirror. She was feeling more and more disconnected and realized that she wanted to change this so she could connect and be more present with her children.
Due to the pain, she was having, Stephanie decided to make an appointment with her doctor and got some alarming results. She decided to come clean with her husband and let him know what’s been going on and that she was ready to quit drinking. He was very supportive which she wasn’t expecting.
Stephanie realized that she had to do things differently. Moderation had never worked in the past, so she knew that wasn’t an option this time. Three big things she did were she told the truth about her addiction, found a community whose language she really resonated with, and ensured she consistently had an hour to herself where she would listen to podcasts and walk. She is looking forward to doing some international travel sober, which she hasn’t done before, and she is excited to continue being a more present parent and partner.
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Recovery Elevator
You can do this
I love you guys
Episode 420 – The Most Prolific Trap
Today we have Matthew. He is 49 from Phoenix, AZ, and has been a sober rock star since 12/15/2006.
Our next Ditching the Booze course is starting Monday March 20th. It is free for Café RE members. You can learn more about the course and Café RE by clicking this link.
[03:00] Highlights from Paul:
As humans, we are prone to the trap that things will be better, or we will feel better after x, y or z happens. If we are constantly attaching happiness to accomplishments, checklists, or sobriety clocks, then eventually this surface level happiness fades and doesn't last nearly as long. Diffusing this trap is our most important task as a species at the moment. To find inner peace regardless of what is going on outside.
The first thing we can do to confront the trap is recognize it and then try to find happiness in the present moment while working towards the goal in mind. This is being okay with being okay or being okay even if you feel like dog crap. You are not doing sobriety, or anything wrong, if you have a bad day or 50.
To be fair, we do feel better when we make positive change in our lives, but it’s the balance we are going for. And not to place 100% of happiness to a future date, which is never guaranteed.
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[11:37] Kris introduces Matthew:
Matthew has just past 16 years of sobriety. He is married and they have two teenage sons. He spent many years as a radio and TV personality all over the country, but recently left the business to do podcasts, motivational speaking and is the head coach of a local high school hockey team. He enjoys doing this as well as taking advantage of the hiking opportunities near where he lives in Phoenix, AZ.
Matthew was first exposed to alcohol at a very young age when his dad would share sips of beer with him. He grew up in a family where drinking was a part of the landscape at all gatherings of any kind.
He didn’t really drink a whole lot until he was in his late teens. Later in his twenties, Matthew’s career found him doing a lot of appearances where he was expected to be the life of the party and ensure that everyone present was having a good time. This involved large bar tabs and many after parties that he occasionally had too much and couldn’t function well for his job the next day.
His drinking increased a lot after his father died. He was attending therapy to deal with the great loss and how it happened. He ended up leaving his family and traveled around the country with his career eventually meeting his wife. Things were going well and then there were major changes at work which ended up with him being unemployed while his wife was pregnant. He says that he spent a lot of time drinking at that point.
The moved again shortly after that and it was after a work Christmas party that Matthew found his rock bottom moment. That night he didn’t want the party to end but was unable to find an open bar. He ended up buying some wine and walking home. It was a three mile walk in the snow to his house. His wife and son were both crying when he got home and he just went to his room and passed out. When he woke up, he wrote a letter to his wife and son saying that he will never have another drink.
When he decided to quit, he knew he couldn’t do it by himself. He went to therapy to help him uncover the “why”. He told everyone that he was not going to be able to attend any alcoholic events for a while. Learning why he was drinking was the most important piece. He believes in living a life that he doesn’t want to escape from.
[01:02:15] Kris’ summary:
Kris reflects on the power of connection with people that you can let your guard down with. It’s important to feel seen and community is a great way to do that.
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We are the only ones that can do this, RE
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Episode 419 – Boredom and Sobriety
Today we have Joel. He is 42 from Lawton, OK, and took his last drink on November 28th, 2022.
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[2:18] Highlights from Paul:
Boredom is a completely normal and natural emotion, one of the many all humans have. In today’s world, we are were unconsciously wired to feel inadequate if we are not stimulated 24/7. But boredom is healthy and what is needed for a creative spark.
Big alcohol has done a great job of convincing us that we cannot have fun without alcohol, and part of the sobriety process is finding joy or fun again – without the shit.
We can learn to leverage technology and maybe start researching something that we are interested in. And everything becomes a possibility when you quit drinking. It takes our body time to find a heathier homeostasis but with time and practice, boredom becomes the invitation for us to be open to whatever wants to come our way in an alcohol-free life.
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[12:01] Paul introduces Joel:
Joel has 51 days of sobriety at the time of this recording. He is manager of a large automotive retailer. He is married and they have a 14 year old daughter. He enjoys spending time outdoors hiking and at the lake.
Raised by a single mom and had addicts in his family. He didn’t really know his dad until he was 13-14 years old and doesn’t really have contact with him anymore. Parents had a toxic relationship.
Joel feels that this time in sobriety is different. He has tried many times and it seems like it gets harder every time. This time he feels that some of the signs he was given were different than before. He started realizing that he was allowing alcohol to take more and more control of his life. He was drinking on the way home from work, his wife hated his drinking so he was hiding it, and finally he realized it was becoming a huge problem. The last few weeks found him having some red flags that made him realize he really needed to stop.
Joel says the first few days were exciting and full of optimism and then about day 3-5 found him full of anxiety. He knew it was part of his healing, and found he needed to stay busy to keep sober. After two weeks he started feeling better, seeing some physical improvements and getting positive feedback from his wife. He feels very motivated to keep the momentum going and finally feels free.
He says he has always been a fan of routines, but now has a much healthier one without alcohol. Exercise has been a huge help to him as well as being reflective in a quiet space. As soon as he feels any anxiety he goes for walks regardless of where he is.
Thinking of the future Joel says he wants to be a role model for his daughter and live a happy life with his family. His mental health is important to him, and he has no interest in ever drinking again. Joel is in some sobriety groups and enjoys listening to podcasts. He and his wife also talk a lot about his journey, she is very understanding and supportive now.
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Episode 418 – Serenity Now!
Today we have Bethany. She is 34 from Michigan and took her last drink in January of 2021.
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[2:15] Highlights from Kris:
Kris enjoys living in a small town where everyone helps one another, and the pace is rather consistent. He and his wife were recently on a trip to the city, and it was busier than usual which created sensory overload for Kris. He found himself in the candle section of Target taking a moment and saying the serenity prayer. It helps him shift his thinking that it’s all about him and reminds him that he can exist better with others.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
The wisdom to know the difference
It doesn’t fix everything right away, but it assists with pausing and choosing how to react going forward.
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[10:15] Kris introduces Bethany:
Bethany is 34, has two kids and a fiancé. She just graduated college last year, works as an account manager for a car parts company. For fun she likes to play video games and plays often with her fiancé. She also enjoys running, camping, travelling and quality time with friends and family.
Bethany wasn’t exposed to alcohol much growing up. She had her first drink when she was 14 and got sick so she didn’t try it again for a while. Started going to high school parties but didn’t drink when she was playing sports. She found herself in a toxic relationship with a boy she met in church. After a messy break up she stopped going to the church and ended up feeling the loss of community as a result. After going away to college, she started partying as a way to escape her depression.
By her sophomore year she stopped going to classes and for the next year, her drinking escalated a good bit more. She met her ex-husband around this time. She ended up getting pregnant and then they got married and had another child. She says they weren’t compatible, and they didn’t have a healthy relationship. Bethany feels she didn’t have a good real-life example of strong relationships growing up because her mom died when she was four and her dad never remarried. Her husband was in the military where the drinking culture is very normalized, and they drank a lot. Towards the end of the marriage, she realized that the drinking was getting in the way of her parenting, and it was hard to take any breaks from it. Everyone she was around drank like she did, so no one ever said anything to her about it. For a while she stayed stuck in the cycle of drinking too much, taking a few days off and then starting back again.
She met her fiancé at a friend’s party. He is a normal drinker and would sometimes call her out for her drinking. Bethany says her behavior towards him and others could be abusive, so she started trying to set rules around her drinking. It wasn’t until an incident that had her feeling bad about not being present for her kids prompted her to think about trying to quit drinking.
A Google search led her to finding RE and she discovered a few episodes that really resonated with her. For the first time she realized she wasn’t alone and felt hope for the future. She joined Café RE for support and accountability and started reading a lot of Quit Lit. Soon into recovery she found herself enjoying life without alcohol and enjoying her children playing sports. Her grades improved and she graduated with honors. She has started making friends that she enjoys spending time with.
[52:25] Kris’ Summary
Telling our stories is a brave thing and can help a lot of people. Reach out if you are interested in sharing your story: kris@recoveryelevator.com
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The only way out is through, we can do this
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Episode 417 – The Best and Worst Place to be With a Drinking Problem
Today we have Jenny, she is 36 from Hudson, WI and took her last drink on 2/16/2020.
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[02:45] Intro Summary:
When Paul describes the best and worst places to be with a drinking problem, they both look a lot alike.
That realization that alcohol no longer serves us, but we can’t imagine life without it can be a scary place to be. Alcohol has us right where it wants us. It may feel like part of you is dying, that feeling is grief.
But on the flip side, when we realize that alcohol no longer serves us, we can see that as an invitation to live the life we were meant to live. We are at the tipping point about to embark upon the greatest journey in our life.
We are all right where we need to be. Life will keep giving us the same lesson until we are ready to learn or make a change. By making that first jump into the unknown, you give others courage to do the same.
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[10:15] Paul introduces Jenny:
Jenny is 36 and lives in the small town of Hudson WI. She is married and they have one son together. She works in education and enjoys the outdoors – camping, backpacking, she also enjoys gardening, yoga and in recovery she learned that she likes to read.
Jenny’s drinking started when she was just 11 years old. A traumatic event that she didn’t share with anyone had her feeling alone and out of place. Jenny realized she loved drinking right from the start. She grew up aspiring to be the bad girl with the tough persona because it helped her put up a guard to protect herself. She enjoyed drinking and was willing to try any other drugs.
When she was 20 her and her boyfriend moved to Montana. She thought she could escape her issues, but that didn’t work. Her addictions got worse and while she would quit some things, the alcohol remained which helped her believe that she didn’t have a problem because drinking was socially acceptable.
At age 30, she lost a pregnancy and her drinking evolved from drinking for fun to being self-destructive. She later got pregnant again and her son was born 18 months later. She still struggled to quit drinking during pregnancy and since her doctor told her it was ok, she saw that as a green light to keep drinking.
When their son was 7 weeks old, they moved back home from Montana to their hometown to be close to family. In debt, postpartum with no job, the lived in her in-law’s basement and her drinking got really bad. No one called her out because drinking was all part of the culture.
Her turning point was after Super Bowl Sunday when she had crippling anxiety the day after and ended up staying in bed for two days with very dark thoughts. There is a history of suicide in her family and that is what stopped her from that path.
She says she was sober from alcohol for the first 14 months but doesn’t feel like she was in recovery. She ended up going to AA in April of 2021 and hasn’t looked back.
To her, there is a big difference between being sober and being in recovery. She is doing things that she likes to do instead of just not drinking. She feels like every day is a victory and she counts every day as it helps motivate her. At first, she had a hard time letting go of the old persona, but now she has let go of that and has redefined who she is. She loves mornings now and is doing well in her job. She also loves yoga and attends AA meetings frequently as well as other online community events.
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We can do this.
Episode 416 – The AF Beverage
Today we have Mike, he is 59 from Newport, OR and took his last drink on 1/27/2022.
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Thank you Café RE chat hosts! You do an amazing job!
[01:34] Highlights from Paul:
When quitting drinking, the thinking mind creates 99 problems or obstacles, but what to drink when we ditch the booze shouldn’t be one of them. Exploring AF beverages in recovery should be fun.
Paul gives us the three key pillars (the drink, the temperature, and the glass/cup) along with many great tips on combining these elements to make the perfect AF drink.
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[10:31] Kris introduces Mike:
Mike has been sober for 323 days at the time of recording. He lives on the Oregon coast and after leaving the restaurant business three years ago, he now manages a deli. He enjoys writing and walking on the beach which he lives very close to.
Mike started working in the restaurant business as a cook at the age of 15-16 years old. He says that alcohol comes with the restaurant industry. It was customary to drink with customer and coworkers, it was part of day to day life. No one really commented on his drinking because his family was on the west coast and he was attending college on the east coast. Everyone he associated with at the time drank as well.
He did some soul searching after he had gotten a divorce and took some time away from alcohol, but it was hard to sustain. The long hours and drinking we beginning to take a toll on him mentally and physically. He started making rules around his drinking but always broke them.
When he was 40, he got married again and they had a child. He says alcohol was a problem in his relationships and was starting to affect his job as well. He tried outpatient rehab and attending AA on his own but when that didn’t repair the marriage, he stopped going. His drinking increased and he got a few DUIs that included court ordered meetings and counseling. He was just checking the boxes by going, but ended up learning things on the way even though he wasn’t ready to quit drinking. He enjoys research and looks at that as time he used to research quitting drinking. He reflected on his journals that he has kept throughout his life and realized that he has always had issues with alcohol but didn’t listen.
He joined Café RE in September of 2021 after his girlfriend found Recovery Elevator and suggested it to Mike. He feels that quitting drinking this time is his choice which has made all the difference for him.
When Mike first started his current AF journey, he would keep track of any cravings that he would have in a notebook that he carried with him. He says by the time he finished writing it down the craving had mostly left. His friends know he has quit which has made socializing much easier. He enjoys AF beer and isn’t bothered by being around alcohol at events and when out playing pool.
Writing and processing his thoughts has been an instrumental tool for Mike in recovery. He works on his sobriety every single day and shares his reflections with the community daily since he quit.
[52:00] Kris’ outro:
Kris reflects on “sandpaper people”. This quote from the book Us by Terrence Real helped him change his responses and reactions to these types of people. Even subtle positive energy can have an impact on those around me.
“This world does not belong to us; we belong to on another”.
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Thanks for being here RE and remember,
We’re the only ones that can do this, but we don’t have to do it alone.
I love you guys
Episode 414 – You Won’t Regret Not Drinking
Today we have Emily, she is 44, from Phoenix, AZ and took her last drink on March 10th, 2019
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[02:34] Paul’s thoughts:
Paul doesn’t make many promises on this podcast but feels he can 100% positively tell us that we will never regret not drinking. You won’t regret the extra $20 you save; the planet won’t regret the gallons of water not used after “breaking the seal” or the trash drinking creates. Your family will never regret you not drinking. Your pets, your plants, your job, your community. Your hobbies, and your goals as well as any one of the 70 trillion cells in your body will not regret you not drinking.
It takes bravery and courage to take this path but listeners, you will not regret ditching the booze. You can do this.
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[08:30] Kris introduces Emily:
Emily has been sober for almost 4 years. She lives in Phoenix AZ with her husband, two daughters and two cats. She currently works in music education and loves to play music, paddleboard, and listening to podcasts.
Emily had little exposure to alcohol growing up. Her father was a recovering alcoholic, which wasn’t talked about much. She took her first drink at the age of 19 at an Army officer training program event. She was very nervous and insecure in new social settings so accepted the offer to drink and ended up blacking out.
She was excited to fit in but had a huge sense of shame because she didn’t remember what happened.
Drinking was a problem for Emily right from the start. It was never just one she always binge drank. Throughout college and her career, she was able to mostly uphold her dual life – had it all together but on the inside was struggling with fears of not fitting in and fears of abandonment.
Emily’s husband was also in the military and was deployed frequently. She used alcohol to self soothe when she felt isolated. They were moving around a lot which gave Emily a chance to start over every time. She didn’t have to worry about who she alienated or upset with her drinking and just moved to the next town.
Emily reconnected with her father when one of their moves took them to the area where he lived. She enjoyed the opportunity they had to get to know one another and spend time together. When her father died unexpectedly, her drinking ramped up again.
Over the last few years of her drinking, she ended up resigning from her job and took a work from home position. She found herself drinking more and it was affecting all of her relationships. Emily decided to change her relationship with alcohol after a painful experience that happened with her kids. Within a few days of the event, she walked into her first AA meeting and that was her quit date.
Emily started with AA and an IOP program. She attended a lot of meetings and found a sponsor that helped her learn how to stop punishing herself and stop worrying about being abandoned. Being willing to do what her sponsor suggested helped her recovery. She was able to start playing music again and has started being a sponsor herself.
[51:20] Kris’ outro:
One of the beautiful things about recovery is finding parts of ourselves that we thought we lost. Emily has reconnected with her love for music and her song “Am I Alright?” as the outro today.
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Remember, we took the elevator down, but we’ve got to take the stairs back up
You can do this
I love you guys
Episode 413 – Grit, Grace, and Gratitude
Today we have Matt who is from Atlanta and took his last drink on November 15th, 2022.
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[02:35] Thoughts from Kris:
Turning 40 found him thinking more about longevity and being able to be healthy later in life. He has struggled with his physical health the past few years but gave himself a pass because his mental and spiritual health was more important at the time.
Now, five years later and several stops and starts, he realizes he needs to treat his nutrition and physical health goals like another form of recovery. Much like sobriety, he felt he shouldn’t do it alone and reached out to a friend in the health and wellness world and asked for help. Together they set some small, attainable goals rather than a strict daily routine bound for failure.
He talks about the virtues of “grit” “grace” and “gratitude” and their relation to our recovery.
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[10:21] Paul introduces Matt
Matt has 31 days at the time of this recording. He feels great making it past that milestone after many stops in starts over the past four years. Matt was born in Atlanta and moved to Utah in middle school. He was an avid skier and baseball player in school and currently enjoys going to the gym, running, and playing in a local rock band.
Matt was young when he first tried sips of his parents’ drinks. Other than a few parties, Matt didn’t drink much in high school. It wasn’t until joining a fraternity in college that his drinking really got going. He considers his drinking as binge drinking and did not drink daily however, he started developing panic attacks and having issues with his grades at school.
He buckled down and cut back on partying during his senior year and graduated. He got a good job right after college and wasn’t having any more panic attacks. He typically only drank on the weekends and didn’t feel he had a problem because work was still going well and, on the occasion that he got a hangover, he would take a break for a while.
Some consequences came when he lost his job a few years ago and his drinking really ramped up as a way to cope with it. It took him a while to realize he was drinking to cover up his feelings and started using more and more. When things at home weren’t going well Matt agreed he needed to address his drinking and started attending AA. He was stuck in the cycle of addiction with many stops and starts.
It was 31 days ago that Matt took himself to inpatient detox so that he could start the healing process. He was ready to commit to not drinking and working on getting his life back. Initially he feared judgment from others but felt relief when he got there. After four days, he feels he had a moment of clarity and started to feel better and really dove into his recovery. Matt believes in radical honesty and accountability now and is working with his wife to earn her trust back while helping her understand what addiction is like. He went back to AA, is working the steps with a sponsor and he enjoys helping newcomers. He is feeling like this is a rebirth for him and is happy to live a life without alcohol. He has a clear idea of the person, husband, and father he wants to be.
[46:35] Kris’ outro:
Kris encourages us to look at ourselves and ask if a different approach could help us with our goals that we may have been struggling to reach. Our egos want to protect us but if we pick the right people to have on our team, it can be a game changer.
Change is hard, but so is letting something keep us from our best life.
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You’re the only ones who can do this, but you don’t have to do it alone
I love you guys.
Episode 412 – Get Connected
Today we have Brad who is 35 from Fort Wayne, IN and took his last drink on 8/31/2018
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[3:19] Highlights from Paul:
Human beings are wired for connection, we need it to survive. It’s up on the list with food, clean water, and shelter. Paul shares several statistics surrounding chronic disorders with the biggest one being mental disorders and loneliness. Loneliness has been compared to smoking in how it affects our bodies and is considered to be unhealthier than inactivity or obesity. Our addictions are symptoms of our disconnection.
Are we doomed? Paul says no. There is a remedy - get connected!
The ability to connect is a skill that we acquire naturally as kids/young adults but connecting later in life isn’t as easy. Here are some steps to help with connecting:
#1 – leverage your decision to quit drinking
#2 – Connect - Go to AA, join Café RE, meet with other sober people
Connection isn’t always human to human. Animals can help too. Paul credits Ben in saving him and helping him get sober. We (the community) are what help him stay sober.
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[11:25] Kris introduces Brad:
Brad is from Indiana; he is married and has a daughter and two dogs. He works in sales and enjoys spending time with family and friends, playing golf, and being active with his church.
Brad didn’t really drink much until his sophomore year in college when he had an opportunity to go to school in London. When he returned, he continued to go out frequently to bars and parties. He didn’t see a problem as he was still doing well in school and graduated with honors. He found the transition between college and finding a career to be challenging. Due to his colleagues being older than him, he felt a little isolated socially so he would continue to spend time with friends that were still in college. This found him drinking more and more frequently.
He met his wife at a bar and in the early days of their relationship they socialized often. He always drank more than her and it wasn’t until they moved in together that he would recognize that his drinking was a problem. He would try to quit for a while, but it didn’t last, and he considered his drinks a reward for working hard. It started causing issues in their relationship.
Brad was starting to have some negative consequences from his drinking but still wasn’t ready to quit. It wasn’t until he was forced to face the consequences of a DUI and an ultimatum from his wife that he explored recovery. His dad took him to his first AA meeting where he got some encouraging words from members at the meeting and chose to continue going and working the steps. He says it felt great to find a community which is still important to his recovery.
At first, he approached his recovery as just not drinking. He quickly learned that he needed to do more internal work. Brad is open about the fact that he doesn’t drink. He has lost a few relationships which hurt at first, but it showed him his true friends. He finds acts of service important to his recovery. He uses HALT to help him deal with the cravings which he says he has very few of these days.
[57:30] Kris’ outro:
There are more conversations about being sober curious happening outside of the recovery space. The idea of looking at your drinking is becoming less taboo. Sure, the time of year has a lot to do with it but having the conversations is what’s important. Look for the right times to share, you can help others with your experiences.
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We took the elevator down but we’ve got to take the steps back up.
I love you guys.
Episode 411 – The Grateful Alcoholic
Today we have Lisa who is 65 from Atlanta, GA took her last drink on 11/17/2022.
Whether you are on day 1 or day 1000, there is still time to join REStore. The next class is tonight at 8:30pm EST
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Highlights from Paul:
Paul didn’t understand a fellow AA member’s references to being a “grateful alcoholic”. Only after getting to know Jim, did he understand what they meant. It took a few years for Paul to get to that point to be grateful for his addiction.
He reflects that our addictions are signposts trying to guide us to a more authentic life and that there are no such things as failures. They are learning opportunities and we should never give up. We should trust the process of healing from the addictions, and we can all become grateful for the role that alcohol has played in our lives.
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[00:00] Paul introduces Lisa
Her last drink was November 17, 2022 - a little over three weeks from the time of this recording. She says it feels wonderful, relieving, liberating, comforting, all positive things.
Lisa is 65 and lives in Atlanta area with her husband of 36 years. They have two grown children and remain close to them. She enjoys reading, travelling, exercise, nature and family time.
Lisa’s drinking started out on the weekends in high school. She drank throughout adulthood and always knew she drank abnormally. She discovered she had her first blackout and fell when she was nearly 50. That scared her into getting sober with AA but she feels she never did the work or found a good sponsor. After one year, she thought she could handle drinking again.
Over the last two or three years she has known she needed to stop again. She was starting to notice the health consequences and began finding resources including The Huberman Lab podcast episode about alcohol, and This Naked Mind.
Journalling about her drinking past has helped her recognize some of what drove her to addiction. She became aware that her drinking ramped up after she retired in 2015 as she felt a loss of identity. She has recently become a caretaker for her mother who has been in recovery since Lisa was 15, but they have never been close. She thinks she used alcohol for stress and anxiety relief over that and the loneliness she found in retirement. Now that she knows that it is her brain reacting to the disease which she finds helpful to her recovery. She embraces that she must do things differently this time and get comfortable with being uncomfortable. She has joined several recovery communities and asked to be on the podcast. She has not shared her journey with her immediate family but plans to do so very soon.
In recovery, Lisa says that routine is vital to her success. She exercises daily while listening to podcasts. She enjoys volunteering to stay busy. Her faith is very important to her and she finds prayer and journalling helpful.
One thing she has learned in sobriety – she can find the courage to do hard things and is stronger than she realized
Parting piece of guidance – you can control your thoughts, just focus on what you are gaining, not what you are losing.
[00:00] Closing thoughts from Paul:
Paul encourages us to stop labeling things as a problem. We need challenges to appreciate rewards. He compares this to alcohol as being the invitation to step into a rebirth and make great changes in our lives for the better. He has yet to meet someone that regretted quitting drinking. Paul also revisits his thoughts on Big Alcohol and his view on legalization of drugs and alcohol.
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I love you guys.
We took the elevator down; we’ve got to take the stairs back up.
We can do this.
Episode 410 – What’s the Point?
Today we have Justin who is 37 from New York
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Highlights from Paul:
Many of us have asked the question “what’s the point of life?” The response is always a near derivative of love. It’s safe to say that the core religions can be summarized with one teaching. The Golden Rule. The mystics recognized, we are all one, what you do to another you do to yourself and if you treat your fellow human being with respect and dignity, you in turn will experience the same.
We have learned that we cannot find the point of it all at the bottom of a bottle. And when we hear The Golden Rule, we often think of the other person, but what about being kind to ourselves? Treat others as you’d like to be treated, but you need to treat yourself how you want to be treated. And only then, can we have a shot at learning about what this miracle we call life is all about.
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[10:00] Kris introduces Justin:
Justin has been sober since September 9th, 2020. He lives in Harrison New York. He is getting married next year, has two cats and two dogs. He loves running, traveling, and listening to podcasts and audiobooks.
When he was growing up, his first exposure to alcohol was his family having wine at the holidays and his dad drank beer. He remembers his father as inconsistent, and was very aware of the amount of beer that his father drank and was attuned to what was going on.
Justin first drank in around 7th grade but didn’t like where it was heading. Later he had a small circle of friends that he would drink heavily with late in high school. After transitioning to college alcohol was the gateway to making friends. He started making rules around his drinking early on and used it as a coping tool. He never felt he had a problem because he knew what a problem looked like.
After college, Justin continued to try and create rules around his drinking. Alcohol was more of a social connector and bars were everywhere and he couldn’t imagine life without drinking – it was normalized but he knew he was different, and that drinking wasn’t right for him.
It was when Justin had his first experience dating someone that didn’t drink that he realized it was possible to go out and be fully present and aware. He recognized that this was the person he wanted to be but was still dependent on alcohol. When he had 10 days of sobriety for a personal development course, but could not continue, he knew he had to address the problem. He started listening to audiobooks which helped him recognize what led to his addiction. He had a shift where he realized that he no longer wanted to use alcohol to cope with life. While running he started listening to recovery books and podcasts. He was able to start stringing sober days together and realized that he wanted to be a non-drinker. He started looking at his recovery scientifically and evaluated his sober vs. non-sober time.
He says his biggest tools involve audiobooks, podcasts, playing the tape forward and connection is the most important. You can connect with Justin in the links below:
Alternative Direction Coaching
[60:00] Thoughts from Kris
Radical honesty has been important for Kris and urges us to ask ourselves a few questions without judgement. Honesty can help us accept where we are and get the help that we need.
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You’re the only one who can do this RE
But you don’t have to do it alone
I love you guys.
Episode 409 – The Cost of Inauthenticity
Today we have Jeremiah, he’s 35 from Denver, CO and took his last drink on April 27, 2022.
NYE Sober Prom in San Diego on December 31st. We have Athletic Brewing, Sip Clean, Sound Soda and Crumbl Cookies sponsoring this event, open to Café RE members only.
Registration for REStore is now open! https://www.recoveryelevator.com/restore/
Exact Nature: https://exactnature.com/RE20
Highlights from Paul:
Being inauthentic creates a lot of pain which many of us have tried to address it by using alcohol. We often choose survival over authenticity by putting our basic needs over expressing or being ourselves. Sometimes we have to be inauthentic to fit in.
Dr. Gabor Mate’s book “The Myth of Normal” says “the perceived need to be what the world demands becomes entangled with our sense of who we are and how to seek love. Inauthenticity is thereafter misidentified with survival because the two were synonymous during the formative years.”
It has been studied that being inauthentic can lead to physical disease. And Dr. Sarno has concluded that back pain is not structural but represents repressed emotions, mostly rage.
How can we be authentic? It is a practice and a balance. There are two sides to the coin: saying no to BS and doing more of what you enjoy. Paul challenges us to ask ourselves where we are not being authentic? What BS are we putting up with?
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[9:28] Paul introduces Jeremiah:
Jeremiah took his last drink on April 27, 2022. He grew up in Wisconsin but currently lives in Denver, CO. He’s 35, single and has two dogs and loves all varieties of outdoor sports.
Jeremiah didn’t drink in high school but started drinking when he went to college. He was able to do well in school and work and went out a few nights a week drinking like a “normal” college student. After graduating he moved out of state, got married and says his drinking was drastically reduced. Even throughout other life changes including a divorce his drinking wasn’t out of control. After getting a DUI he was ordered to take classes that he didn’t feel that he needed and was able to quit drinking for over a year with relative ease.
He initially saw the pandemic as an opportunity to focus on healthy and productive endeavors. He soon started to feel very isolated, and depression and anxiety started to set in. His doctor put him on an antidepressant and Xanax which he started to abuse and mixing with alcohol. He attended an IOP for Xanax with no intention of quitting drinking initially. After a big relapse he realized he was no longer in control of his drinking and decided to go to inpatient rehab.
He wishes he had gone into rehab sooner where he finally felt relief and realized that he needed to make some changes. He made the decision to quit his job and moved back to Denver where he took some time off and started doing things that he used to enjoy. He feels that his hobbies are just as important to his recovery as the community that he has found in AA and Café RE. He has found that through his hobbies and mindfulness he is better at living in the moment. He looks forward to the future and plans to do more hiking, travelling and hopefully one day have a family.
[48:25] Paul’s summary:
Gen Z and many others are waking up to the fact that alcohol is shit. Just like Big Tobacco had their moment with catchy icons helping us believe that smoking was cool and good for us until people started dying, Big Alcohol has also spun a similar story – that it is good for our health and social life. But we are waking up and just like domestic tobacco sales went to shit, I imagine the same is already in motion for Big Alcohol.
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This isn’t a “no” to alcohol, but a “yes” to a better life.
I love you guys.
Episode 408 – Focus on the Good
Today we have Bret, 42, from Fort Lauderdale, Florida and he took his last drink on September 17th, 2022.
Registration for REStore is now open! https://www.recoveryelevator.com/restore/
Exact Nature: https://exactnature.com/RE20
Highlights from Paul:
Paul urges us to focus on the good. There is plenty of bad news out there but ruminating on issues that don’t directly affect us can be detrimental. While suffering is part of the human condition, there is always something to be thankful for. He says that it is on the super challenging days where our recovery work is so important.
Like Odette said in the newsletter recently - “watch our thoughts – if a thought isn’t inline with your new alcohol-free life – let it go”.
Author Jay Shetty in his book Think Like a Monk classifies thoughts as a seed or a weed. If it’s a weed, let it go, if it’s a seed, water it and let it grow.
Manifestation is the mind’s version of The Golden Rule, which is when you treat others with respect, you will gain respect back. With your mind it’s the same thing. If you work towards focusing on the good, then eventually your outer reality will match up.
Paul’s take on “character defects” is that we should be aware and make intentions to correct them, but to not get stuck ruminating on them. If we focus on our weaknesses, it is hard to let our positive personality traits thrive.
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[10:51] Kris introduces Bret
Bret is at 66 days sober and feeling cautiously optimistic.
He’s 42 years old, he was raised in Utah but lives in Fort Lauderdale now. He has been with his partner for 17 years, and they have two dogs and a cat. He likes to cook, garden and is a property appraiser.
Bret’s parents divorced when he was very young, and he watched his older siblings stress their mom out with their drinking and swore he would never do it.
Growing up gay was a struggle but when he went to college he started going to bars and found his community and felt like he belonged. He was able to drink and successfully go to school and work. His drinking was on par with everyone else, so he didn’t feel he had a problem.
He moved to Fort Lauderdale in his 20’s and found community in the bar scene. The party never ended which normalized his drinking for him. He was still able to work and function fine and never had any major consequences as he was away from family and only interacted with people that drank like he did.
His drinking started to slow down in his 30’s. They went out less and drank more at home while being caretakers for his mother-in-law.
Bret was the bartender for he and his partner and gradually started drinking earlier and the pours would get heavier. He tried to moderate and create rules, but he would always break them and eventually started hiding the bottles.
COVID and a lot of external factors led to Bret trying to cope with alcohol. It was when his husband confronted him about his hidden bottles that he finally felt relief – he feels he wouldn’t have been able to admit he had a problem had it not been for that. He went to his doctor, and they mentioned an IOP program that Bret got into as soon as he could.
Through his IOP and joining Café RE he feels he is starting to figure out what led him down the path to addiction. He enjoys attending RE courses and chats and plans to attend the IOP after care to help continue his progress.
Book mentioned by Kris Tribe by Sebastian Junger
[48:33] Kris’ summary:
A common theme in recovery is loneliness. We felt loneliness while we were drinking, and we also tend to feel alone in recovery. Finding people and community that understands is so important, especially with the holidays coming up
Resources
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We’re the only ones that can do this, RE
But we don’t have to do it alone.
I love you guys.
Episode 407 – A Message to Big Alcohol
Today we have Jeff, 48, from Joplin Missouri with 13 days of sobriety at time of recording
Registration for Restore opens December 1. https://www.recoveryelevator.com/restore/
Exact Nature: https://exactnature.com/RE20
Highlights from Paul
For the first time in this podcast, Paul speaks to Big Alcohol. Why now? We have a limited time together on each episode he has felt that discussing how to live a better life without the stuff is better use of our time.
He addresses the fact that Big Alcohol’s greatest customers are the alcoholic/problem drinkers and not the “normal” drinker that has one or two beers and the rest sits in the fridge for months. They are also responsible for perpetuating the myth that alcohol consumption is good for you. Spoiler alert: it’s not. The Huberman Lab Podcast has an episode that dives deep into the effects alcohol has on the brain/body. (https://hubermanlab.com/what-alcohol-does-to-your-body-brain-health)
The amount of trash that can be found on the sides of the road is about a 10/1 ratio alcohol related vs. non-alcohol related. Paul asks if Big Alcohol is ok with the remnants of their product being strewn all over the planet via human wreckage and excessive trash.
Paul clarifies that his goal is to not fight with Big Alcohol. His battle with alcohol and alcoholism made him who he is today, and he appreciates that.
But maybe they would be willing to share just a half of a percentage point of their marketing budget to help us clean up the mess their product has created both on humans and on our planet. We’d be interested to collaborate on our next service project. You can reach us at info@recoveryelevator.com
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[10:59] Jeff lives in Joplin, MO currently, but grew up in NC. He has a wife and three children aged 6, 4 and 8 months. He recently started his own business and enjoys golf, reading, creative writing and poetry, and writing and playing music.
Jeff took his first drink with a friend at home when he was 17. He remembers the occasional drink at a party in high school but didn’t really start drinking until he turned 21. Through his 20’s drinking was part of life. He was able to cut back or quit drinking whenever he felt it was getting to be too much.
Jeff says he didn’t have a true rock bottom moment but after an incident that found him ramping up his drinking, he chose to seek some counseling for PTSD. He started to realize that the way he had been drinking and handling life was becoming unsustainable. He wants to be present for his family and didn’t feel that he was able to enjoy life while drinking.
Jeff found himself going to his first AA meeting in many years 13 days ago, has found a sponsor and attends meetings daily. He has been staying busy with home projects and acts of service and feels that working with his hands relieves stress and helps him avoid getting lost in negative thought patterns.
Jeff doesn’t have a long-term goal in sobriety, he is just taking it day by day. Right now, he just wants to be sober and process his emotions without alcohol and enjoy his family and the life he has built.
[47:57] Paul’s Summary
Socrates said the secret to change is to focus all your energy not on fighting the old but on building the new. Mother Teresa said she would not participate in wars on hunger or on terrorism because there is an equal amount of disproportionate energy on the other side. Much like we have seen with the war on drugs: trillions of dollars wasted to learn that you cannot punish addiction out of people. If someone from Big Alcohol is listening, please don’t feel attacked, we want to work together in cleaning up the planet.
Resources
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Recovery Elevator
This isn’t a no to alcohol, but a yes to a better life.
I love you guys
Episode 406 – Moving the Needle
Today we have Nate, Eric, Beth, Hunter, and Kathy.
Registration for Restore opens December 1. https://www.recoveryelevator.com/restore/
Sponsor: https://www.recoveryelevator.com/cafere/
Highlights from Kris
Kris speaks to the many mixed messages we get about addiction. Billions of dollars are spent on alcohol advertising that lures you to believe how fun, cool, and sexy you will be if you drink, as long as you don’t become one of “those people.”
After Kris’s first session with an addiction specialist who shared her recovery journey with Kris, he felt less alone. Kris’ counselor gave him hope that there was a better way. He continued counseling, completed treatment, and found the Recovery Elevator podcast. Today he is one of the hosts.
One of the best ways to combat the stigma of addiction is to tell your story. Kris recently attended the 6th Annual Recovery Reinvented event founded by Kathryn Burgum, the first lady of North Dakota. Kris had an opportunity to hear Dr. Bruce Perry speak, who co-authored the book, “What Happened to You?” with Oprah Winfrey. Dr. Perry said that while the science, research, and statistics are fascinating, the storytelling inspires others to revisit their beliefs about addiction.
There are a few ways to tell your story: you can share in a recovery meeting, on a recovery podcast, give a testimony at your church, or post on Facebook or Instagram. You can also lead by example by passing on the cocktail at Happy Hour or telling your friends, “I don’t drink.” Keep sharing your stories, RE – that’s how we will combat the stigma of addiction.
For more information on Recovery Reinvented, visit: www.recoveryreinvented.com
Book Reference: https://www.amazon.com/What-Happened-You-Conversations-Resilience-ebook/dp/B087D5YQXB/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1IWMTJBKBOOZE&keywords=what+happened+to+you&qid=1669220153&s=digital-text&sprefix=what+happened+to+you%2Cdigital-text%2C448&sr=1-1
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[11:25] Nate loves to build community and peer support and does great things in North Dakota. As a transplant to ND, he was embraced by “North Dakota nice.” He found recovery after multiple DUIs. He empowers students in recovery. He is passionate about being the change for others in his community.
[21:45] Eric is a physician and a professor and speaks to active addiction while practicing medicine. He has been in recovery for thirty years, and the services available were very different when he started. There are now programs available for clinicians in recovery that allow them to recover without losing their licensure. Eric now has excellent relationships and is happily married.
[27:34] Beth tried several approaches to recovery, and after witnessing a friend overdose, she could stack days. After six months of recovery, she got a job, and having someone believe in her made a huge difference in her life and recovery.
[33:15] Hunter has been sober for nine years and works in healthcare. He spent so much time wondering when the other shoe would drop. High functioning kept him in active addiction for awhile because he never missed work.
[40:58] Kathy is a mother of five, is a student and works. Her dreams include social work and foster parenting. Today she recovers out loud and advocates for other Native Americans with addiction and is a foster parent.
[47:40] Kris shares his gratitude for the opportunity to participate in Recovery Reinvented.
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You are the only one who can do this, but you don’t have to do it alone.
I love you guys.
Episode 405 – Ahead of the pack
Today we have Rachel. She is 29, from Wisconsin, and took her last drink on September 4, 2022.
Registration for Restore opens December 1. https://www.recoveryelevator.com/restore/
Sponsor: https://www.soberlink.com/
Highlights from Paul
Is there a stigma for those in recovery, or are we ahead of the pack? This past August, Paul invited Elaine Huang mindfulness and spirituality teacher) to speak at the RE Bozeman retreat. Elaine shared with Paul that those ditching the booze are ahead of the pack. She never has to modify or simply her course content for Café RE members. Members of our group are advanced students; they are more resilient, elite, and have a greater capacity for love and a greater capacity for recovery after pain & suffering. Elaine referred to us as “old souls .”The recovery community has a greater capacity for survival, compassion, and love.
Elaine believes our population is part of the 1% of people who can achieve a higher level of consciousness, vibration, and frequency: the frequency of love.
Feel free to watch this video from a neuroscientist, Dr. Joe Dispenza. https://youtu.be/Ov3aeqjeih0
Deepak Chopra says, “it takes as little as 1% of a population to create positive change, and I believe that if 100 million people underwent a personal transformation in the direction of peace, harmony, laughter, love, kindness, and joy...the world would be transformed.”
Transcendental Meditation teacher Maharishi Mahesh predicted that only one percent of humanity is needed to create enough good vibrations to usher in world peace. (https://www.naturalawakenings.com/2018/11/30/224480/a-global-wake-up-call-collective-consciousness-nears-spiritual-tipping-point)
For more information on Elaine Huang: Elaine Huang - Embodiment of Freedom: https://www.mayyouawaken.com/
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[12:30] Rachel has been sober for over thirty days. She is still struggling and hasn’t experienced a pink cloud yet. She is experiencing a lot of depersonalization, but she is hopeful. She loves singing, live music, nature, hiking, and playing the ukulele. Rachel struggles with PTSD. She has a partner and two kids.
Rachel identifies with the gifted kid burnout syndrome. She excelled in school but struggled to embrace her feelings, given some of her struggles at home. She was high functioning in high school: in clubs and the National Honor Society. As a DARE kid, she was afraid of drugs and alcohol. She described having a second life and drinking to impress people. Rachel believed alcohol helped her to fit in. She graduated from high school early and traveled to India. She had to abstain in India. When she went to college, drinking was a social lubricant. She went to work drunk and high. Rachel described drinking as letting out a sigh.
Pregnancies led Rachel to a sober stint. She was doing well until the pandemic hit. Rachel’s rock bottom moment was blacking out while reading a bedtime story to her daughter. Since her father and grandfather struggled with addictions, she decided it was time for the addiction cycle to end.
Singing, yoga, and cold exposure spike Rachel’s dopamine which helps her maintain her sobriety. Rachel is mindful of potential relapse and knows that self-compassion is essential.
[50:48] Paul’s Summary
Paul wonders if the stigma exists. We yearn for authenticity, and when we connect, that authenticity is reciprocated. The stigma is often in our minds. People in recovery make lasting changes that can influence others to do the same.
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It all starts from the inside out.
I love you guys.
Episode 404 – The order of healing
Today we have Natasha. She is 43, from Vancouver, B.C, and took her last drink on August 23, 2021.
Book: Alcohol is Sh!t. https://www.amazon.com/Alcohol-is-Sht-Paul-Churchill-audiobook/
Exact Nature: https://exactnature.com/RE20
Highlights from Paul
Paul outlines the order of healing when we quit drinking. He describes the healing as happening in reverse order of the harm done. You can do the following:
Book: The All-Day Energy Diet. https://amzn.to/3CmLivc
The healing process:
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[11:04] Natasha has been sober for over a year. She is in medical sales, has a son, and enjoys friends, bingo, travel, and hiking.
Natasha was afraid of alcohol during her early years. She would dump out beer and pretend to be drunk to avoid social pressure. After her son was born, she had six beers during a concert. As she approached thirty, she drank after work with her co-workers in the restaurant industry. At 35, she knew her drinking was a problem.
Socializing and drinking was a big part of her job. Her relationship wasn’t healthy because they drank together, and Natasha could outdrink her partner.
Sobriety has taught Natasha that none of her fears about quitting drinking were true; liquid courage is a myth. She is funny and entertaining with her clients. Her relationships have more meaning, and she can be present.
She describes the first year as brutal. After a boozy weekend with girls, Natasha knew it was time to quit. She dumped out a wine cooler, and that was it. She was angry at people who could drink normally and isolated herself a bit. Now she recognizes she can enjoy her life without the chaos of alcohol. Boundaries have become necessary, and she enjoys spending time alone. Reading, listening to podcasts, and meditation have helped her maintain her sobriety. Natasha’s relationships have evolved and grown. She lost some friends along the way, but her core group supports her sobriety.
[58:51] Kris’s Summary
Kris has been getting his garage in order. He recognized that he was comfortable with the chaos until he hit a tipping point. Cleaning the garage has so many parallels to recovery. Kris was overwhelmed, but he did the next right thing, took it slow, and now everything is clean, organized, and easy to navigate.
Upcoming events, retreats, and courses:
Resources
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We are the only ones who can do this, but we don’t have to do it alone.
I love you guys.
Episode 403 – Hello Universe
Many
Today we have Pat. He is 38, from Georgia, and he took his last drink on February 22, 2022.
Events: https://recoveryelevator.com/events
Exact Nature: https://exactnature.com/re20
Highlights from Paul
The opposite of addiction is connection. Near-death experiences often connect us to a higher power and make us question where we go after we die. In today’s episode, Paul shares his views on spirituality and connecting with a higher power.
Addiction disconnects us from the external world and from within. Paul reminds us we are not alone: we are connected to every living on the planet. Love, connection, inclusivity, and wholeness.
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[13:14] Pat got sober on 2/22/22 and planned his sobriety date as a military child who has lived in many places. He is married, loves archery, plays guitar, writes music, and sells hearing aids.
Pat began experimenting with alcohol at 15. He learned in college he could drink a lot. He was frequently the last one standing. Initially, he drank to get a buzz. He avoided eating to enhance his buzz. In college, he got a DUI. Pat drank to feel normal. He never had a true rock bottom moment.
In 2020, Pat stopped drinking for six months, knowing he and his wife wanted to conceive. He switched from whiskey to beer. Quickly it snuck back into his life.
Pat’s wife began going to Al-Anon. He burned the ships on social media and garnered support from friends and family. After a physical, he had some bad results, including elevated liver enzymes. He was encouraged to go to inpatient rehab. He ultimately tapered. His doctor prescribed medications to help him overcome anxiety. The first two weeks of detox were painful. After the physical challenges dissipated, things became much more manageable. His family and friends supported him. He realizes he doesn’t need alcohol to get through the highs and lows of everyday life.
The RE podcast, audiobooks, and the Café RE Facebook group are his favorite recovery tools, and he is excited that he and his wife are expecting their first child.
[49:20] Paul’s Summary
Book recommendations
Reality Unveiled: https://amzn.to/3CxrVQg
The seat of the Soul: https://amzn.to/3z0phBJ
Many lives many masters: https://amzn.to/3rQ6QLS
The concepts in these books help Paul to feel connected. The knowledge is the precursor to feeling the way Paul needs to feel to stay sober.
Upcoming events, retreats, and courses:
Resources
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Go big because eventually, we all go home.
I love you guys.